Bookworm: Games People Play

Dr Eric Berne highlights the 'gameplay' that underpins human communication and explains how we can create more honest and meaningful connections.

So, what's it about?

The psychology of human relationships (no less).

The book exposes how, often, when we think we're simply relating to others, we're actually playing ‘games’ – whether power games with our boss or competitive games with friends. 

In it, Dr Eric Berne describes the secret ploys and unconscious manoeuvres that underpin human communication – and shows us how to break free of game-playing in order to create more honest and meaningful connections.

What are Dr Berne's credentials? 

Pretty sound. He was a pioneering Canadian psychiatrist and father of the theory of transactional analysis (now also a method of therapy), authoring more than 30 books including What Do You Say After You Say Hello?  and Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy.

When it was first published in 1964, Games People Play revolutionised people’s understanding of what really goes on beneath the surface of everyday social interactions. It's now considered a classic.

But surely games are harmless...?

There’s definitely a role for games (how else would we flirt?) but the games Dr Berne refers to aren’t innocuous social games; they're subtle – largely unconscious – patterns of behaviour that have the potential to harm us and our relationships.  

That's dark. What do I need to know?

Dr Berne posits that humans always act from one of three ego states: Parent, Child or Adult. He suggests that many negative behaviours can be traced to the playing out of these roles.

For example, if a leader addresses staff in the manner of a controlling ‘Parent’ this will often elicit passive obedience, tantrums or other childlike responses. The Parent state isn't inherently bad – it can be nurturing as well as critical – it’s just an unconscious imitation of the parent[s] who raised us.

Meanwhile, the Child ego state takes us back to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours we experienced in childhood and can also be positive (natural) or negative (adaptive). Over time, our Child state can also get buried beneath the Parent and Adult states – although there are ways to free it, according to Dr Berne.

At work, we typically need to be in Adult mode – the ego state rooted in the present that allows us to process information and to tackle problems with assertive, logical thinking.

But how does all that relate to games?

In the second half of the book Berne catalogues a series of ‘mind games’ in which people interact through a patterned and predictable series of ‘transactions’.  

While superficially plausible, these games actually conceal personal motivations and tend to lead to a predictable outcome, which is usually counterproductive.  

Can you give me an example? 

Dr Berne uses the example of a plumber to show how a game he calls ‘Now I've Got You, You Son of a B****’ might typically play out. 

In this case, the plumber makes a mistake by underestimating the price of a part by £2. When he sends a bill for £302 instead of the agreed £300, the customer pounces on this perceived injustice, refusing to pay even the undisputed £300 until the plumber absorbs the £2 error.  

He is infuriated but also secretly delighted to be able to justify his rage. The plumber may then act like a naughty Child who always gets caught for his misdoings, and, in giving in, start off another game called ‘Why does this always happen to me?’.

And so the games continue.

What lessons can I take from this?  

By tuning into the psychology of human relationships, it becomes easier to spot both the ego states we’re all acting in and the games we’re all playing. 

Sometimes this is easy. For example, when we’re berating our partner for not taking out the bins, both the ego state (Parent-Child) and the end goal (bins out) are clear. However, we also need to be mindful of when the apparent goal isn’t the real goal at all. 

What am I most likely to say after reading this book?  

“I’m ready to drop the mask.”

What am I least likely to say after reading this book?  

“I take everything at face value.”