Nutshell: How (and why) to be vulnerable

For social psychologist Brené Brown, vulnerability is a strength that lies at the heart of “daring leadership”, giving us the courage ‘not to know′ and the curiosity to find out. 

Researcher and storyteller Brené Brown has a way with words. And she has a few choice ones for people who feel they always have to be right:

“Having to be the ‘knower’ or always being right is heavy armour…It’s defensiveness, it’s posturing, and, worst of all, it’s a huge driver of bullshit.”

Unfortunately, it’s also very common. Brown believes that most of us have “some degree of knower” in us. And needing to know everything is miserable for the knowers and everyone around them. It can lead to distrust, bad decisions and unnecessary, unproductive conflict.

Instead, we need the courage “not to know”. That’s the essential precursor to showing the curiosity that will help us to meet the challenges of an age of uncertainty. If we’re not prepared to be vulnerable, to show courage, then we’ll be closing ourselves off to a whole world of possibilities.

Choosing to be vulnerable

It’s this having-to-know armour that gets in the way of what Brown calls daring leadership.

When things get tough, leaders have a choice to:

•  lean into vulnerability and get curious about the options we have, or

•  self-protect in ways that move us away from our values.

Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty.

It wasn’t always a choice; we were born curious. But over time, we learn that curiosity, like vulnerability, can lead to hurt. As a result, we tend to self-protect, choosing certainty over curiosity, armour over vulnerability, and knowing over learning.

For Brown, curiosity is both an act of vulnerability and courage.

That’s because curiosity is content without certainty and knowing all the answers. It’s not concerned with saying the right thing or knowing ahead of time how people will react.

Instead, it remains focused on embracing the unknown and looking for opportunities to learn.

Vulnerability, playfulness and exploration

If “leaning into vulnerability” sounds like a weakness, Brown begs to differ.

In her book Dare to Lead she argues that vulnerability is the only path to courageous leadership, the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.

By this, she means living with uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure: daring to show up and be seen when you have no control over the outcome.  

For example, being a clown may seem like a million miles away from this idea of courageous leadership, but, if we think about vulnerability, there are some striking parallels. Just as we lose our childlike sense of wonder when we grow up, we also lose our innate playfulness.

The late Reverend Roly Bain wrote eloquently about how being a clown (yes, a dog-collar-wearing clown) tapped into this playfulness but, at the same time, vulnerability.

Acting the clown gave him the seemingly paradoxical ability to show this vulnerability, to be allowed – actively encouraged – to fail in the service of a sense of “fun and fulfilment”.

In this sense, playfulness and vulnerability are two sides of the same coin.

Through playfulness – like curiosity – we can imagine other experiences, open up the world to more possibilities. When a clown is faced with uncertainty, he sees it as an opportunity to explore what might happen next.

Vulnerability means taking risks, but they’re risks worth taking. Being playful allows us to experiment with what we could be and do rather than just settling for the status quo.

Embracing vulnerability allows for playfulness and exploration – that curiosity.

“Rumbling with vulnerability”

Unsurprisingly, perhaps, Brené Brown’s sees the ability to embrace vulnerability – “rumbling” with it - as one of her four pillars of courageous leadership.

A rumble is a discussion, conversation or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability.

Rumbling with vulnerability feels like being excited and afraid all at the same time.

• It’s about having the courage to show up fully in the face of uncertainty.

• It’s about being less guarded in our relationships and interactions.

Although we may go to great lengths to hide our own vulnerability, it is often the leaders who are prepared to share their weaknesses and struggles that we find the most authentic, inspiring and easy to connect with.

Vulnerability, though, is not just about disclosure – as Brown says: “You don’t measure vulnerability by the amount of disclosure. Live tweeting your bikini wax – not vulnerability.”

It’s about being open about not having all the answers all the time.

Brown describes as “wholehearted” leaders who are ready to be who they are rather than who they think they should be. They fully embrace vulnerability.

For Brown, a true leader is someone who “takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential”.

That’s a powerful underpinning for curiosity and positive learning environments at work.

Practical techniques to build and show vulnerability

Although we may understand the importance of being vulnerable, showing vulnerability publicly (and in a meaningful way) is neither easy nor comfortable.

But being courageous needs us not just to buy into the idea of vulnerability; we have to move from lofty aspirations to specific, observable behaviours on the ground.

Or, in Brené Brown terms: “If you’re not going to take the time to translate values from ideals to behaviours… it’s better not to profess any values at all. They become a joke. A cat poster. Total BS.”

Here are four practical things to try as we become more courageous leaders:

1. Re-frame what it means to be vulnerable

Channel our inner Brené Brown: being vulnerable doesn’t make us weak. It allows us to show our authentic selves, releases our curiosity and helps us to connect with others.

2. Practice vulnerability 

Think about the ways in we can remove our armour, for example:

• modelling curiosity: pay attention, ask questions and listen carefully to show that we don’t have all the answers.

• letting go of self-consciousness about not being right or knowing the answer all the time.

• being open to, and respecting, other people’s views and ideas.

• not being afraid to delegate or ask for help.

  
  

3. Accept failure

Courageous leaders accept that we’re going to fail at some point, to be disappointed and suffer setbacks. That’s why it’s called courage. When the worst happens, it’s more important than ever to lean in to vulnerability and curiosity to help us to learn from the experience.

Adopting a growth mindset will help us to move beyond setbacks to see everything as an opportunity for growth. If we’re not willing to fail, we can’t innovate; if we’re not willing to build a vulnerable culture, we can’t create.

4. Make it ok for others to be vulnerable too

Make sure that people can be their true selves at work, feeling a sense of belonging in a safe environment to experiment and learn. Encourage them to work on their curiosity and critical thinking skills. Be clear that this is a priority.

Support people to move beyond their comfort zones, adopting their own growth mindsets about experimentation and learning. Acknowledge and reward great questions and instances of “I don’t know, but I’d like to find out” as positive behaviours.

Removing our armour

 It’s hard being a leader. There are all sorts of expectations about what we know, what we do and how we behave.

Increasingly, though, there’s a greater understanding that leadership is not about wearing Brené Brown-type armour, being invincible and having all the answers. We’re learning that having the courage “not to know” – being curious and open, even if that makes us feel vulnerable - is a better option.

It’s a choice that will open up more opportunities and possibilities. For Brown, vulnerability is not just “the best measure of courage”. It also stimulates collaboration, encouraging creativity, learning and growth rather than fear, cover ups and blame.

For that, we might all be prepared to take off the chain mail.

Test your knowledge

• Explain why Brené Brown believes that vulnerability is the “only path” to courageous leadership.

• Identify two ways in which we can practice vulnerability.

What does it mean for you? 

• Consider how comfortable you feel about “rumbling with vulnerability”. Reflect on two strategies that might improve your comfort levels.