While we like to think that we’re self-aware, research and experience suggest that we may not know ourselves as well as we think we do. That’s why, as leaders, we need to understand what self-awareness is and what we can do to develop it.
For emotional intelligence (EQ) guru Daniel Goleman, self-awareness is “the first component of emotional intelligence”.
Being able to understand our own emotions and the impact we have on others is a crucial underpinning for leaders.
Having good self-awareness helps us to decode how we’re feeling; be aware of our strengths and weaknesses; sense how others see us and deploy our emotions appropriately and constructively.
Long experience suggests, though, that self-awareness is not a given.
Like much of leadership, it takes practice, asking us to make time in our busy lives to build our skill. It can be hard to know where to start.
To help, Future Talent Learning has developed a six-point plan to help us get to know ourselves better:
1. Recognise our emotions
2. Know our strengths and (allowable) weaknesses
3. Beware our blind spots
4. Take the time to reflect
5. Learn to love (and solicit) feedback
6. Make it about others, too
The ability to recognise and understand our own emotions – especially when under pressure – is at the heart of self-awareness.
Being aware of the emotions we’re feeling and the factors that influence our own behaviour (and how others behave towards us) is a precursor to the next essential stage: expressing, deploying or managing them effectively.
Marc Brackett of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence has developed the mnemonic RULER as a guide to help us better understand and decode how we’re feeling.
He suggests that we actively interrogate and label our emotions (the “R” to “L”) so that we’re better prepared for that crucial second stage (his “E” and second “R”).
For example, if we have to have a difficult conversation with a team member, processing our emotions around it in advance, and anticipating how the other person might be feeling, can help to take the sting out a situation that might be difficult to manage or control.
By being more intentional about diagnosing how we’re feeling, we’ll not only develop our understanding, but also our anticipation as we learn to recognise what underpins or triggers certain thoughts and emotions.
A whole literature has grown up around the issue of whether we should look to play to our strengths or address our weaknesses, but the fact remains that it’s healthy to be aware of those areas where we thrive and those which simply don’t match what we might be good at, or enjoy.
We all have various flaws and personality traits that can hold us back.
Perhaps we tend to focus on our own personal drive to achieve excellent results – but fail to take our teams with us.
We may prefer a more relaxed approach to management, but that won’t always help us to meet those deadlines and get things done.
Models such as SOVA’s team roles assessment show us that there is light and shade in everything.
A weakness in one context (for example, lack of flexibility) might be a strength in another (for example, in a crisis, when we simply need to act fast).
Developing self-awareness around our strengths and weaknesses helps us to manage and deploy our preferences and traits to best effect – and to adapt and flex as circumstances demand.
Playing to our strengths and being our authentic selves is important, but we may also need to develop “adaptable authenticity”, to move outside our comfort zones if we are to learn and grow.
Being transparent about weaknesses can make us feel vulnerable, but it also helps to enable trust in our teams.
Belbin Team Roles analysis uses the term “allowable weaknesses” and reminds us that, in teams, our own weaknesses might open the door for others to provide the necessary compensating strength.
Self-awareness is a double-edge sword. We not only have to understand our emotions; we also need to take account of the impression we make, and the impact we have, on others.
This duality can be hard. We all have blind spots about ourselves that can get in the way of true self-awareness. We may think we’re open and approachable, that we’re calm and caring, but that may not be how Dave in Accounts sees us.
One technique that helps us to gain a better understanding of our relationships with ourselves and others is the Johari Window , developed in 1955 by psychologists Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham (hence the name: “Jo-“ and “Hari-“).
It’s a tool that helps us to explore the known and unknown parts of ourselves with the help of trusted friends or colleagues.
By selecting around 5-10 personality traits from a pre-defined list of adjectives that best reflect how we view ourselves, and then asking others to pick the traits that they feel define us from the same list, we can build our own Johari Window pane:
By plotting the adjectives identified by ourselves and others onto these panes, we can start to build a picture of how our own view of ourselves aligns (or not) with how others see us.
Having taken stock, we can then use what we discover as a call to action.
The sweet spot is the Open Pane, where there is alignment between how we see ourselves and how others see us.
Our aim should be to increase the size of our Open Pane through self-disclosure, working closely with others and soliciting and taking on board feedback.
Psychologist Tasha Eurich has strong opinions about how reflection can best be used to help us develop our self-awareness: “Thinking about ourselves is not the same as knowing ourselves,” she cautions.
In some ways, she’s right: reflection that threatens to tip over into unhelpful rumination, where we replay negative thoughts and feelings endlessly, is never helpful.
But there’s plenty of evidence that taking the time out to reflect can be a powerful aid to knowing ourselves.
For example, we might:
stop and take time out of our busy lives with practices such as mindfulness, perhaps eating our workday lunches more thoughtfully rather than inhaling a sandwich at our desk.
look to gain personal insight through techniques such as reflective journaling or in conversation with a trusted friend or colleague.
set aside five minutes after an important meeting to take stock about how it went.
Practices such as these can be a good investment in our self-awareness.
Eurich argues that, when we reflect, we need to replace too many ‘why?’ questions (which “trap us in the rear-view mirror”) with ‘what?’ questions, (which “move us forward to the future”).
Focusing on the ‘what’ also helps us to stay objective, to learn from our experiences and to act on our insights.
For example, rather than wondering “why do I clash with my new manager” (and concluding that you are simply polar opposites and destined to disagree) asking ourselves a question like “what can I do to show my manager that I’m the best person for this job” will lead to more productive thinking and practical strategies.
Asking why might be necessary when we want to delve more deeply and really get to the crux of something, but, often, a simple what question will give us what we need to take note and adjust if necessary.
It’s a fact that as we progress in our careers and assume leadership responsibilities, it’s much less likely that our co-workers will take the potentially career-limiting move of offering us candid feedback. The power dynamics are simply against us.
But to keep us honest and boost our external self-awareness, we need that intelligence more than ever – and that means finding ways to solicit what might not otherwise be freely given.
It’s also true that being more experienced can give us a false sense of confidence about both our performance and our levels of self-knowledge. The more power a leader holds, the more likely they are to overestimate their skills and abilities, and the less likely they’ll be to challenge assumptions about themselves or listen to feedback.
In the service of self-awareness, we need to guard against this.
Instead, we need to seek out honest, constructive feedback, ‘gut-checking’ any difficult or surprising findings with others.
Kim Scott’s concept of compassionate candour reinforces this idea that we need to seek out people who will hold up mirrors to us – but who also have our best interests at heart.
That doesn’t mean that we can duck the difficult stuff. We need to take into account why feedback can be such a tricky thing to navigate, but we also need to learn how to receive feedback that’s candid.
The trick is to see it as another useful data point in our quest for self-knowledge rather than a judgement on, or rejection of, everything we stand for.
Scott suggests that we should develop some simple questions we can regularly put to trusted colleagues to proactively seek out this feedback, for example: "what one thing could I start or stop doing this week to make working with me easier?" or “what more could I do to support you?”.
It might seem counter-intuitive to think about empathy, a fundamental tool for forging relationships with others, as a self-awareness tool.
But when we are open-minded, curious, willing and to prepared to accept other’s people views and feelings, that empathy is another way for us to learn about ourselves and how we are perceived by others.
Understanding a range of other perspectives and preferences, respecting difference and listening without judgement will also help us refine what we think about ourselves.
And we shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously, no matter what our job titles suggest. For Goleman, one of the hallmarks of self-awareness in a leader is a self-deprecating sense of humour, in large part because it demonstrates how well we understand how others truly perceive us.
Transformational leadership requires all of us to look to ourselves before we can lead others. Fortunately, self-awareness is a skill like any other: the more we practice, the better we’ll get at it.
If we can master the techniques outlined here, we’ll be well on the way to understanding why knowing ourselves is such a crucial part of leadership – and getting better at it too.
Describe what the “L” in Marc Brackett’s RULER stand for.
Explain why we should aim to increase the size of our Open Pane in a Johari Window.
Reflect on these six techniques and how you might use them to improve your self-awareness.
For example, you could:
use Marc Brackett’s RULER to help you understand your emotions.
create your own Johari Window.
consider whether mindfulness might be a useful reflective technique.
experiment with reflective journaling.