Shortlist: 10 questions to help us understand our relationship with conflict

To understand our attitude to conflict, we need to self-reflect, argues Kim Morgan, CEO of Barefoot Coaching.

Being a good leader requires a whole spectrum of skills, including the ability to deal with conflict. An inability to recognise and deal with conflict is one of the factors that can derail leaders and limit the performance of their teams. 

Healthy conflict is not a bad thing – it can produce more creative solutions and lead to better outcomes. As entrepreneur and author Margaret Heffernan points out “for good ideas and true innovation, you need human interaction, conflict, argument, debate”.

But when we handle unhealthy conflict poorly (or fail to manage it at all) it can cause damage to team dynamics, undermine collaboration and lead to a loss of respect in our leadership.

For example, we may avoid conflict because it makes us uncomfortable and we want to be liked, preferring to appease at all costs. We may then become a target of emotional manipulation or end up putting up with bad behaviour or taking on work that falls with another person’s remit. We may feel guilty that we are not being true to ourselves or standing up for others.

What drives our behaviours?

When it comes to how we deal with conflict, our beliefs and values drive our behaviours. To change our behaviour, we must begin by identifying our relationship with conflict and reflecting on our beliefs about it. 

I know many people who have been on ‘dealing with conflict’ training courses or read books or articles on the subject but have still not been able to implement the changes required. The reason? They have not re-examined their own deep-seated beliefs about conflict.

We can begin to understand our stance by undertaking the following coaching exercise.

Be your own coach

Take some time to write down your answers to the following 10 questions or work with a friend or colleague, taking it in turn to ask one another the following coaching questions:

1. What were my early experiences of conflict and what messages did I receive about conflict from my family or my environment?

2. What do I assume will happen if I engage in conflict? Are those assumptions reasonable and if not, what would be more reasonable assumptions to have?

3. When, where and with whom have I dealt with conflict successfully? What contributed to that?  How did it feel? How can I learn from it?

4. When, where and with whom have I not been able to deal with conflict successfully?  What contributed to that and how did it feel? What can I learn from that?

5. What thoughts, emotions and physical feelings do I experience when I sense conflict is imminent?

6. Who do I know who deals with conflict very skilfully?  What can I learn from them?  How can they help me?

7. What is the price I pay for not dealing with conflict effectively?

8. What are the benefit of embracing and confronting conflict?

9. What will happen if I don’t make any changes?

10. What one small step could I take immediately to improve my approach to dealing with conflict?