Bookworm: Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is a superpower, according to Daniel Goleman – and we can develop and hone it.

What's the book about?

Emotional intelligence (EQ or EI) – aka the secret to success, according to Daniel Goleman PhD. Where we might look at a person’s IQ as an indicator of their potential, Goleman’s insights prove that it is their EQ that denotes whether their career will be a fulfilling one, their marriage a lasting one, and how high their kids’ therapy bills will be.  

Is Goleman an EQ expert, then?

Well, he is known as “the father of emotional intelligence”. He's a an internationally renowned psychologist, author and science journalist. He used to edit Psychology Today and wrote for the New York Times for 12 years on the subject of behavioural science.

Are people just born emotionally intelligent – or is it something we can learn? 

That's the question that prompted Goleman to write this book. He wanted to understand why some clever people do well, when others flounder. He established that some elements of our personality are dictated by genetics and are therefore fixed – such as our IQ. However, others are learnt and can therefore be changed; for these elements, he coined the term emotional intelligence.  

Where does our emotional intelligence come from? 

Goleman argues that we have a thinking brain and a feeling brain. These two minds operate independently, but they can dramatically affect each other for better and worse. Emotional intelligence is the ability to balance these two minds, allowing both to do their job optimally.  

Why do our two minds sometimes work against each other? 

Unfortunately for us, our two minds evolved thousands of years ago, when our cave-dwelling lives were quite different to those we live now.

Back then, the fears overshadowing our daily lives might have been that the wolves in the forest would discover our newborn, or that the berries we picked for breakfast might poison us. Modern life, where our biggest fears might be our partner leaving us or not being able to keep up the mortgage payments, requires an adapted set of warning systems. 

Aren’t emotions just messy, skewing our rational thought? 

Sometimes, yes, but our emotional (feeling) brains actually evolved before our rational (thinking) brains.  

So, there were weepy, witless cave people wandering about at some point?

Almost certainly. They would have been passionate, too, as enabled by the limbic system which, along with the brainstem (responsible for memory and learning), evolved first.

The neo-cortex, which enables rational thoughts, evolved later; but just to stymie that as a source for some reason at last, the amygdala turned up and imbued all memories with a vivid sense of pleasure or danger. Cue our inability to make a purely rational decision.  

Can I just ignore my emotional mind?

Nope. And to boot, the emotional brain can work without the thinking one, but the thinking one can’t work without the feeling one. So, instead of trying to quash our feelings, we can only strive to find an intelligent balance of reason and emotion. 

How can I become more emotionally intelligent (and how will it help me?)

Arrogance and bullishness are bad for business, as well as destructive in relationships. So, look to identify and accept where change would be a good thing. We can break it down into five main areas for attention:

1. Self-awareness. Giving ongoing attention to our internal state, naming it, and recognising its source. For example, I am full of rage this morning. Why? Perhaps I am actually stressed or anxious. Maybe it’s because I have to do a presentation later; the last one went terribly and I was so embarrassed. 

2. Managing emotions. The art of controlling or soothing an intense surge of emotion. You don’t just have to weather the storm. Instead, seek distractions such as exercise; a small task in the garden; a call to a friend; meditation. 

3. Self-motivation. Take control of how you live and work. Delay gratification and reward effort; use anxiety as fuel for creative work; don’t fall at the first hurdle; be optimistic about your ability to change.  

4. Empathy. The ultimate people skill. The ability to read other people’s emotions will make you better adjusted, more popular with your colleagues and friends, more sensitive and more connected. Practise by observing your own emotions and how they play out in your behaviour and communication. Remember these observations when communicating with others.  

5. Handling relationships. Awareness of other people’s feelings, and how the signals you send affect them, is key to controlling the effect you have on others. If you want someone to feel excited about a plan, open with a big smile and wide eyes. If you are keen to avoid conflict, monitor the volume and tone of your voice.  

How can I be a more emotionally intelligent manager?

Consider everything you do at work as ‘feedback’. There is a message for you in how other people treat you, and a message for others in how you treat them, so be thoughtful.

Speak to people face to face to enhance your ability to read people’s feelings, practise empathy and consider the other person’s perspective. Praise as much as you criticise and be specific and offer solutions, so that the recipient of your feedback feels optimistic about their ability to succeed.  

How can I avoid the feeling that I'm stifling my emotions?

Reach a state of ‘flow’. This is the ultimate way to use your emotional energy. It happens somewhere between boredom and anxiety, and when we are engaged in a task that we love, and are good at. It could be painting, playing tennis or cooking. In this state you can forget yourself, be in the moment and feel pure joy.  

What am I most likely to say after reading this book?

“Shall we get coffee and talk this over?”

What am I least likely to say after reading this book?

“Shall we take this outside?”